Survive In The Heart
by Ash04123
Summary: They say the scariest part of dying isn't death itself, but being forgotten over the ages. Almost as if someone didn't exist to begin with. [Sad Humanstuck. SolTav. Rated T for language. One-shot.] Disclaimer: Homestuck doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Hussie, silly.


The sky above seemed darker than usual. Sollux couldn't help but wonder if it was going to rain. It wasn't like he cared though. He spent many days here in the rain. He didn't mind if the muddy ground dirtied his pants, why should he? Why should anything matter anymore.

_Don't say that._

He inhaled sharply, hearing the familiar voice. He leaned back on his arms, pressing his palms into the grass and dirt beneath him. He took a moment to close his hands into fists, gripping a handful of the sharp, little, green needles. He let his oddly colored eyes close, exhaling slowly. It was hard. Then again, no one said it was going to be easy. He let go of the clump of grass, instead digging his nails back into the hard dirt pile.

Sometimes all he wanted to do was dig this thing up and see _him_ one more time. That would be silly though, as a year had already passed. Who knew what actually remained. Regardless, it probably wouldn't be a pretty sight to behold. So he opted to lower his head and stare at the new flowers he brought him_._ Sollux brought yellow tulips mixed with a few roses for him today. He remembered their first time in a flower shop, he didn't dare admit how much he loved it. Sollux could only force his excitement down and watch as the other happily began sniffing every flower in sight.

At the thought Sollux's chest tightened once again. It felt like something was trying to drill right through his pale skin and snatch up his heart. Not that there was much of it left. _He_ managed to take the majority of it with him when he left. Sollux bit his lower lip, desperately trying to keep down the tears threatening to erupt from his eyes. He gripped another patch of grass and pulled it out of the ground.

_The grass didn't do anything to you._

He grit his teeth, catching the twitch of his mouth as he nearly smiled. The other always did care about nature, more than he did for his own self. He had a way of talking and speaking to animals that astonished the Gemini. Once he even convinced Sollux to go on a camping trip. The ending result was basically him getting sprayed by a skunk as the other was covered in birds. It took weeks to get the disgusting smell off him.

"I miss you," Sollux whispered lowly.

_I know._

Of course he knew, Sollux came here every week to remind him. Often it was even more than once a week. Some of his friends told him it wasn't healthy to be obsessed with this place, but he didn't listen. He eventually mustered up the energy to maintain a job again and pull himself out of bed every single day, so they shouldn't be complaining. This was something he couldn't give up. Not yet. Whatever aura the other had, seemed to remain behind as he faded away that day. After that day, Sollux found himself coming back. It was silly, really. Sitting here and talking to himself more often than not.

_You're not alone._

Sollux blew his hair out of his eyes, reaching up to lower his glasses. He ignored the wet spot on the lens, concluding it was beginning to drizzle without any further thought. It wasn't though. He was still dry everywhere else. He blinked a few times, adjusting his eyes a bit before starting to clean his glasses with his shirt. He let out a quiet sigh before bringing his hand up and slipping the glasses back into place.

"Life is a real bitch," He murmured through his lisp, trailing his hand along the grass once again. This time he didn't pull though, he knew the other wouldn't like that. Instead he smoothed his hand through the prickly strands of green, almost petting it in a way. "Remember that time we went to the flower shop? I was really happy that day. I know I didn't say anything, but I could tell that you knew how happy I was. I caught you glimpsing at me sniffing one of the flowers, you know. I remember how you looked away as fast as possible, trying to play it off. You never were good at that."

By now he had curled up with his knees to his chest, staring out at the other gray stones. There were so many names here. Hundreds, thousands even. All in the same place the other was now, most likely. So many names scattered about, but the only one that mattered was _his_. Sollux was capable of caring only for the name he sat by.

_You were such a bee, that day._

Sollux let out a low chuckle, although he knew it was forced. The other probably knew too. "You always called me that, after that day. Your little bee. You know, once a honey bee stings someone, they die? Well, I think I stung you." He stood quiet for a few moments, admiring how the sun began to set in the distance, only making the sky get darker than it already was. The clouds were all dull, sagging with rain probably. Or tears. Maybe the clouds had to cry too. "You know, I finally gave those sandwiches that you liked so much a try this week. Peanut butter and honey, I honestly thought it was going to be disgusting. Once it was in my mouth though, I realized how wrong I was. It tasted really good. You already knew that though. I didn't get to finish the whole thing sadly." His arms began to tremble as he struggled to focus on his thoughts and calm his emotions down. He couldn't eat the whole thing, as much as he wanted to. After the first bite he broke down crying again.

"I watch Peter Pan every Friday," he continued, although his voice was becoming strained. "I can't help but think of how alike you and he are. You wanted nothing more but to stay young forever. The world knows that's what I wanted too, actually." He didn't bother to stop the stream of tears beginning to flow down his cheeks this time. It would have just been a futile attempt. "Because if you were young forever, you wouldn't be here now. I mean, how can I hug you from here? How can I kiss that tan skin of yours? How can I-" He choked back a sob, raising an arm to wipe his eyes. "How can I tell you how much I love you?"

_I'm always here. _

"You say that, but you're not! I can't physically touch you, it's not scientifically possible! You know that! Stop playing these games with me already! I'm so fucking sick of it all! Pretending like I can actually be happy without you!"

_Sollux. Don't you understand by now?_

"No! Maybe. I don't know anymore! I'm scared of the truth! I don't want to deal with reality! I'd rather be a child again and deal with the strange and disturbing images I used to see! At least those distracted me! There's nothing to distract me now!"

_Sollux. _

_"_Fuck! No! Just stop, please! I don't want to hear it!"

_I'm always with you._

"Damn it, what did I do to deserve this?"

_You haven't been taking your medicine, have you?_

"If I did, you wouldn't be here!"

It was silent for a short moment, the only sound eliciting from Sollux's heavy sobs. Things weren't supposed to be this way. They should have been holding hands right now, walking by the beach as Sollux complained about the sand between his toes. Or at the park so Sollux could complain about being outside of the damn house.

The worst part of this was probably his subconscious trying to speak reason to him. It was just horrible because he knew it was right. The other had said it himself before the life faded from his eyes. He would always be with Sollux, with his little bee.

_I'll always be in your heart._

That was when Sollux felt the small droplets of rain sprinkle onto his skin, slowly growing heavier. Soon he was soaked and sitting in a nice mud puddle. He didn't care though, because this happened often enough. The rain was nice enough to cover the loud yelling as Sollux gripped his head, so that he was grateful for. He let it all out, like he did every week. The loud swearing, the even louder cries, and worst of all, the pain. Accepting the other was gone was the most difficult part of each week. It's why he kept coming back. He had to remind himself that he wasn't having a nightmare.

While the others thought he was escaping reality in order to come here and dream, the truth was he came here to step back into it. He refused to let the world fade in and out of his vision every few minutes. He refused the voices whispers to him of other worlds and death. He blocked it all and accepted it all. When he was here, in this cemetery, he fought his greatest enemy of all.

Sollux fought himself.

Soon the sobs came to an end, resulting in him simply staring at the tombstone.

_**Here lies Tavros Nitram, beloved husband and son. **_

Sollux slowly got to his feet, bending down only once to place a light kiss to the cold stone. He patted it softly, gazing over the flowers as they dripped a few droplets from their petals. He smiled fondly and stood up straight.

"I love you, Tavros." He turned away and began walking. He didn't need to stay to hear his reply. He already knew, because Tavros was always around. As long as he remembered him and kept him alive through the memories, Tavros still existed.


End file.
